Life As a Teenage Writer

Yello everyone! I'm back again, trying to be regular. Not having much luck, but I keep trying.xD

 

Random question: which would you prefer? Being blind or deaf? Ever 'since I heard this question about...three months ago, it's been bothering me. I can't really tell you why. Maybe it's because I chose a weird answer. I chose blind. And I thought that was weird, because pretty much everyone else chose deaf. But I couldn't be deaf. I know, I know. If I was deaf, I could still write. I could see all the wonderful things outside. But if I was deaf, I couldn't hear music. And I didn't realize how much music meant to me until after that question. o0 Then I realized that I live in a state where music is constantly playing in my head, and I find myself singing tunes without realizing it more often than not.

 

I don't know what I'd do without music.

 

Anyways, some new characters. Elijah--one who follows my love of music. Jess--just a sarcastic pain in the ass, but I love her anyways.xD Ah...Richard. Charming Richard. Clueless, but an utter flirt all the same. And who else...Oh, yeah! James has been revived and remodeled. He is now a drunken general who makes bad jokes. Malcom is also making an appearance--I have some random pictures of him already, so I don't have to update him--but only with someone else. If I played him by himself, I'd be powerplaying.

 

Nothing to really show you in terms of writing. Everythings stored in notebooks. I can't write on the computer. couldn't tell you why.

 

Music update: Simon and Garfunkel still rock. I Am a Rock, Bridge Over Troubled Water (yes, they did it first. Take that Josh Groban fans, 'cause I'm sure HE did it too), Sound of Silence, and the original Scarborough Fair are awesome songs. If you like an original Beatle-pop sound, you can check out Mrs. Robinson and Why Don't You Write Me. Also good songs, just not really...eh. I dunno. My style. Also, the new Coldplay albumn is out on itunes, but no where else. Oh well. It's cheaper anyways. What else....Uhm...check out John Hiatt--some good stuff. Same with 'Beyond the Yellow Brick Road' by Elton John. Some good songs. And, if you find videos of his concerts, some REALLY wacky outfits.xDD He invented the huge glasses and feather boas. It's classic.

 

Book updae: Er...not much, actually. Finals have kicked in. If you want something serious, check out Gypsy Davey. Depressing, but...good. Real. Or, if you like fantasy, check out Name of the Wind by....something Rothfuss. Good book. Scratch that. EXCELLENT books. No one's perfect, and it's funny at times, but it's honest, and it really can break your heart at times. If you want something lighter, go look at the Myth books by Aspin or Asprin, or something like that. Also in the fantasy section. These books are just funny. Keep in mind that none of these books (Name of the Wind being the only exception, but that book's 700 pages long, so it doesn't count) are appropriate for children. If you want something appropriate, you can check out A Single Shard, or Girl in Blue. Anything by Ann Rinaldi is actually safe, or by Louis Lowry. Levine is also awesome for young fantasy readers, and I've heard the Stargirl series by Spinelli is also good.

 

Movie Update: Oooh...this one isn't so great. In fact, it's downright bad. I haven't seen any movies...Well, all right. I've seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade--NOT THE NEW ONE. This is the one before it.xD Classic. Sean Connery and Harrison Ford play off of each other perfectly. Also....uhm...National Treasure 2. The actual movie? Eh, it's okay. Not all of it makes sense. BUT! Don't write this film off just yet. It's worth seeing just because you could tell that the cast had fun. And for that reason, it's a good movie. Uhm...Kung Fu Panda got 4 out of 5 stars. They say it's 'good-natured fun', and that Jack Black's quite good. So worth seeing....looking forward to the Get Smart movie. Steve Carrel is always fun, even if I can't spell his name.xD

 

Also! I will be starting a podcast as soon as school starts. It'll be called Geeky Grades. Look it up on Itunes! It'll have interviews with students, and responses to any questions, and if you have any suggestions, send 'em to apidjit@gmail.com. The actual program will be on succeeding in school, whether it's with teachers, homework, studying tips...etc. Should be fun! And for those who know me, yes, I shall be updating regularly.xD I know how long it takes to record and write a podcast now (did one for a project) and I plan to get enough done to give me time to write some more. Should be fun. Ah...critics are appreciated! I am also thinking of starting one called Another Long Week in History, which would be a quick summary of a historical event of your choice. I already did one for history, and I'm thinking of putting it on youtube. What do you think?

 

Pizza! I am afraid that I've never been to chicago.xD Try something else.

 

I know tere was something else, but I'm forgetting it...oh well! Take care everyone! Have a nice night!

Yello everyone! S'more artists for you. Simon and Garfunkel--the BOMB. Get the Live 1969 album. Listen to Sound of Silence and The Boxer. Wonderful songs. New Jason Mraz album? Not so good. Snow Patrol's fun, and French 3 at DO--avoid. Seriously. Baddd. Lots of tests.

 

Also. Avoid the AP exam. Lots of questions, no real point.

 

By the way, I'm starting a new Cheese Pizza rating system. I grade on the amount of cheese, the quality and taste of the sause, the fluffiness of the crust...etc. Ask me to rate a place, and I'll do my best to do so. Been all over the country, too.xD Lots of places.

 

Aand...that's about it! I just don't have a lot of news.o-0 Talk to you later!

Woot! I'm BAAAACK!

 

Man. It's been a long time 'since I've posted here!

 

Anyways, things have been hectic. Taking AP Euro (ugh!) and I did nanowrimo. The exercise from hell, but I had fun.:D Plus, it taught me a lot.

 

By the way, new authors to love! Terry Pratchett. Fear his sarcasm. David Eddings? Nice fantasy. Diana Wynne Jones is always a classic.

 

Also--avoid Donaldson. Weird books. VERY weird books.

 

Beatles rock, for the record. So do the Barenaked Ladies. And Sims videos are very hard to make, as is rewriting lyrics and painting eggs. If I ever finish the video, I'll put it up here.

 

Anyways, I'm here with a new story. It's not fantasy. It's not sci-fi. It's actually...I don't know what it is. But, you know what? I don't care! It's going to be sarcastic. it's going to be funny. I have no idea where it's going, but enjoy!

 

...but the text won't fit here! Oh well! Visit this link, and comment? Please?^^

 

 

 

 

I stepped back, and look at that--things were clear. I am overemotional. I am contradictory. My emotions turn on a frikin' dime.

 

Kind of funny if you think about it, but I as sure as hell wish it would stop. Maybe then I could be me, and a good friend. Clear and obvious and predictable, like a stereotypical character I'm always thinking of. It'd be better than the moody person I am now.xD

 

Sorry Kaggr. Sorry Kanna. I'll try to be better. I promise. I'll never be as open as a book, but I'll try not to bottle stuff up. Easier to let it out slowly. Probably healthier, too.

 

Anyways, this one's for you. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, but hey, that hasn't stopped me before.

 

---

 

This story starts like this.

 

Lovely beginning.

 

It ends like this.

 

Now I'm just kidding.

 

My name is Catherine Sienna Rosabelle Marie White. I am possibly the most insecure person you will meet.

 

So, here's me in a nutshell: I'm confused, I love Gerald Butlar and Leonardo DiCaprio, I hate shaving my legs, and hate my thin, bleach-blond hair.

 

Compelling story already, isn't it? In other words, I am your average, run-of-the-mill Catholic teen.

 

Except for one thing: I am a gay run-of-the-mill average Catholic teen.

 

Now, even if you don't know anything about religion, or the Catholic Church, the Vatican, the Orders, or so on and so forth, everyone knows that the Catholic Church believes a marriage should be between a man and a woman.

 

Now, if it makes you feel any better, I agree completely with that statement--marriage is between a man and a woman. A union is formed between two of the same gender.

 

Hey, it solves all the problems, right?

 

I know a lot of people who tell me that they knew they were gay when they were kids. I was not one of those lucky few. My gay-ness struck me like....

 

...well, a bus. Almost literally.

 

There is no villain in this story--'cause I am my own worst enemy. You have no idea what damage you can do to yourself or to others. There is also no romance.

 

And no worries--this story is not a graphic account of gayness. It actually has very little to do with it at all. It just gave me a reason to basically say to heck with it all.

 

My story begin in February, on a day that every teenager dreads secretly.

 

Valentine's Day.

 

I go to a Catholic School caled St. Catherine's. It's an all-girl high school, and so Valentine's Day is rather....dull. We have a Mass, we give each other friendly Valentines, and then go back to work. I had gotten there late and had missed the Mass. I had brought Valentines for everyone, but when I arrived, they had finished handing them out, and I didn't get the chance to. Also, there were none on my dull gray plastic desk.

 

Such a nice thing to come to after having by braces tightened.

 

I sat down in the uncomfortable, stiff-backed black plastic seat and listened to the teacher lecture. My mind, however, were on the girls in the next row, who were giggling over the candy they got from their friends.

 

I had done everything I could to fit in, and yet I was still treated like an outcast. I wore loads and loads of makeup, mostly around my eyes; I wore the plaid green and blue skirts instead of the more comfortable sweatpants; and I had even died my mousy-brown hair blond...and badly! To someone looking on, I would have blended in perfectly with the manicured, blitzed-blond crowd.

 

Maybe it was through foresight that they kept me away. I didn't see any other reason.

 

As the day went on, things got progressively worse. My Math test came back with a big red 'F' on the first page, and my history quiz was not much better. My English teacher put 'See me later' on the front of my essay.

 

Around lunch I gave up on trying to put a positive spin on things and kind of gave up. If I made it through the day, I would survive. If I didn't, I hoped someone would bury me next to Andrew Llyod Webber, whenever he died. I love that guy, too!

 

All of our classes at school looked the same. Each was in a gray-green brick building with simple blue doors. Inside was gray with either wooden desks or plastic ones. Textbooks could be there, or not, and there was always a whiteboard or a chalkboard.

 

Boring, boring, boring. It was a wonder anyone graduated at all, with how many people fell asleep in classes.

 

By the time the last class came around, I was staring at the clock with the desperation of a stranded woman. MOVE! I wanted to scream. Once or twice, I almost did. It didn't help that I was in Religion--the most boring class of them all. I've been a Catholic all my life. I now know more about the ceremonies than the priest does, and they're still teaching it! I already knew the Bible backwards and forwards. All they had to do now was train me to recite it for doggie treats, and my humiliation and irritation would be complete.

 

---

That was...weird. Anyways, I might continue tomorrow. Night, all.

 

And once again I turn to the keys for support. I need help.

 

Seriously.

 

I asked a friend today if she could tell me what kind of friend I am and what kind of person I am. She couldn’t answer.

 

For once, I don’t blame her. It’s my fault this time.

 

People say I’m too quiet. Too shy. No one knows anything about me. I present a smiling mask for everyone to see.

 

Aaand I’m becoming self obsessed.

 

Who is Sara Hannigan? I mean really. Who is she? Could anyone tell me?

 

Maybe my parents. Maybe friends I had before I withdrew into my shell.

 

Let’s face it—I’ve had bad experiences. I’m a sucky judge of character. My friend in third grade thought nothing was funnier than tormenting me. My fifth grade friend decided it would be fun to stick a knife to her head and not respond when I tried to talk her out of it.

 

Oh, and then there was Sierra. She sent me a note telling me to stop following her, and then wouldn’t explain it.

 

Really, I don’t know if these are the reasons for my shyness. I don’t know if these are the reasons for my insecurities. I just know I have serious problems getting close to people.

 

Which is kind of sad at fourteen. This is supposed to be social hour, remember?

 

Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe I’m just freaking out over everything. I’m trying to take a step back and look at everything objectively.

 

Imagine that. It’s not working.

 

I also told the same friend that no one tries to get to know the shy me. That’s not true. She did. Another friend of hers did. Kids at school do.

 

I feel that I’ve become too prickly, and I don’t know how to fix it. My soul strength rests right here—in what you’re reading. This is the only place where I feel comfortable—on a computer with a password.  No one can see me here. Perfectly safe.

 

I don’t confide in anyone anymore. I’m afraid that people will just give me weird looks and walk away. Weird looks that say ‘what does that straight-A student with great parents and a lot of money have to worry about? She knows nothing of real problems’.

Right again. Maybe that’s why I’m having the problem. My problems aren’t real—I’ve got a lot going for me. I have friends…maybe no best friends, but friends. I’ve got a steady home life. Maybe my problem is that I kind of want to be social while being curled up in a ball at home.

 

Sad to say, that’s the worst of it.

 

I told you—I don’t have any real problems. No one’s dying. I have no stories or advice to offer—I kind of gave up on giving advice after I realized that it was useless. Only people with experience can give advice, and I, sadly, am in a bubble. A thin one now, but a bubble. It didn’t help when my friend tried to commit suicide on my watch.

 

A thin hurt now, but still there.

 

Whenever I release information to my friends, I just do it in blurts when I can’t take it anymore.

 

I’m not a good person. That friend who tried to commit suicide? She tried to keep in touch, but I couldn’t take it any more. I’ve fallen out of touch with all but the more persistent friends. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I do well with casual friends, but whenever I want to go deeper, they just want to be casual. And anyone who wants to be best-friend status has to go through hell, at which point they probably just want to run away. I want to run away. I want to be simple again.

 

The last two years I spent at St. Joseph’s did a lot of damage….but, I wonder—was it my fault? Was it this one-sided me what made me so universally ignored?

 

I think that’s worse than the other theory that I just didn’t fit in…but, maybe I’m just overthinking things. Maybe I should just withdraw until I’m ready to deal with people again.

 

Until I’m sure of who I am.

 

Night.

I don’t get people sometimes.

 

Okay, just as a warning—I’m in a bad mood. I’ve had a weekend with no private time, constant movement, and tons of social stuff. And tomorrow, I have to go to school. And the next weekend, I still don’t get any time for me.

 

Don’t get me wrong—I love my friends, even if they aren’t too big on pressuring something out of them when all they really want to do is scream. Even if a couple of them don’t particularly help me with a bad mood by telling me it’s making them upset.

 

Do I do that to them after five minutes? I certainly hope not!

 

I’m stressed, and it’s suddenly ‘back away from Sara’. It’s not—‘let’s make her feel better, or ‘wonder if that’s all that’s up’. Nope. God forbid it could be that simple.

 

I wish they could get that I’m like them—I need to talk. I need to explain. But no. I’m too honest to ever lie about something like that. Of course, I’m different in that, when I want to talk, I don’t want to burden them, and so shut up.

 

I’m off-track.

 

They treat me as if I’m some god—like I need to be pleased at all times. I didn’t think I was that picky. Maybe I’m wrong. I like them for who they are—I don’t care if aunts or grandparents are coming over—I don’t care if they’re hyper all the time. I like them for who they are. But, at the same timer, god forbids that I could ever be upset. Instantly everything’s in chaos, and they seem to avoid me like a plague.

 

Do I do that to them?

 

This is why I don’t tell them that I think I should be a nun because I have never really experienced pure attraction for anyone. This is why I don’t tell them that I’m wondering if I’ll ever be a writer. This is why I never mention my dad’s obsession with me being a singer. Will they get it? Will I be knocked off of that precious pedestal that I never wanted, nor intentionally got? I’m a human being, and I’m not perfect. I’m not a saint—I have my limits of tolerance, but I’m so glad that I hide it so well. Not. People say how great I am. I’m not great! I’m fourteen—I hate school and homework, but sure, I do it. I work hard, but mostly ‘cause I can’t picture it being another way. I’m good at writing ‘cause I wanted to be, and as for math and stuff…I only study, if even, for a few minutes, so I don’t know why I’m good.

 

But can’t I just be Sara again—the girl in the corner? The girl who’s not a saint?

 

Probably not.

Time goes on, and things change, but why is it that we cn't maintain anything that has to do with peace? Is there something about it that we just can't handle? Do we need conflict at all times in order to live?

 

I wish we didn't.

 

Look at the most famous novels are about! War and what it causes! But instead of looking at that moral, people go looking at the religious meaning. Like the Bible! Jesus preaches to love one's neighbor, but instead, some people think that it's a reason to clear the Holy World. And I doubt the Quar'an tells people to kill each other, either. Then again, is it any of our business? Should we really be letting their problems work themselves out? No one interfered in our war against the English, and whenever other nations interfere, it ends badly. Example? WWWI, maybe? Caused by alliances?

 

I know it sounds harsh, but...it's true! We've gone overseas to solve problems, but we still have homeless on our streets! Because of the war, the magnificent city of New Orleans was left in shambles! Because of stupid government procedure, and National--note that it's not international--Guardsmen have all been sent overseas! It's not right!

 

Our way of life is no better than anyone else's. Look at us! We moved all our jobs overseas because the labor is cheaper. And we say we're done with slavery. Meanwhile people here have to get a college degree to get a good job, when most of them can't afford to go to college!

 

....I'm done now. Sorry if I offended anyone.